What are the strangest parts of The Bible?
07.06.2025 22:24
1 John 4:12: "No one has ever seen God…"
Yahweh commanding the prophet Hosea to marry a prostitute. Hey, what happened to Yahweh’s commandment to stone adulterers to death? Are we a tad too inconsistent to be infallible, perhaps? (Hosea 1:2-3)
“Hey, don’t start eating my legs until I finish your arms!”
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THE WEIRDEST THINGS IN THE BIBLE
Stone rape victims to death. I AM THE LORD! Yes, I know it seems unfair, but never think for yourselves. I AM THE LORD! (Deuteronomy 22:23-24)
Zany Zeke agrees: Do not come near a “menstruous woman”! (Ezekiel 18:6)
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And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight. (Isiah 20:1-4)
Crap, that didn’t work either, so now we’re back to parents eating their children, and vice versa, pardon the pun on “vice.” I AM THE LORD! (Ezekiel 5:10)
Just missing my top ten is the Holy Ghost murdering two christians, Ananias and Sapphira, because they didn’t give every penny to their church. A dire warning to penny-pinching modern Christians! Amusingly, christians gave up the ghost to the Holy Ghost!
Is there anything wrong with me because I'm still single?
Biblical roughage, with god commanding Zany Zeke to eat a scroll until it fills his bowels. (Ezekiel 3:1-3)
Amusingly, the bible says that after Yahweh broke the heads (plural) of Leviathan, he fed the people in the wilderness sea-monster barbeque! Now we know the real source of manna!
The talking bush that spoke to Moses and claimed to be “god.”
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Yahweh made the sun stop circling the earth to give Joshua more time to kill people. Since the sun doesn’t circle the earth, that was an impressive feat!
Jonah living three days in the belly of a fish and not running out of air or being damaged in any way by all the stomach acid. And what about the poor traumatized fish, making this another PETA ALERT!
PETA ALERT! No less than 300 innocent foxes have their tails tied together, two by two, by Samson. Then Samson sets their tails on fire and releases them to run through the ripe wheat and other crops of the Philistines. (Judges 15:1-8.)
Is it true that LGB should drop T?
This garnered considerable media coverage, since it’s very strong evidence that the stories of the biblical patriarchs Abraham, Isaac and Jacob were written a thousand years or more after their time, and at least half a millennium after the time of Moses, the christian-alleged author of the bible’s first five books.
These are the weirdest, strangest, most ludicrous and most bizarre verses in the hole-y bible.
The Romans did not allow people to take down corpses from crosses, but left them there to be eaten by scavengers as a warning for no one else to defy Roman rule and Roman laws.
God loves boys more than girls, a constant theme in the bible. God stayed Abraham’s hand from slitting his son Isaac’s throat, but not Jephthah’s hand from murdering his daughter. Jephthah sacrificed his daughter to Yahweh, who was cool with the grisly murder/barbeque and didn’t try to talk him out of it. Or Yahweh is not a very good communicator, which would be my guess, him being imaginary and all. (Judges 11:30-40)
Damn, still not working, so now take the hairs from your skirt and burn them! I AM THE LORD! (Ezekiel 5:5)
Speaking of snakes, I’m a bit confused. According to christian theology, Satan posed as a snake and talked Eve into eating the forbidden fruit. Then an enraged Yahweh took the legs away from trillions of innocent snakes and forced them to crawl in the dust. What am I missing here? Someone please contact PETA and help the poor, innocent snakes get their legs back!
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How bad is menstrual blood? So bad that if a man exposes his wife’s vagina while she’s having her period, they both must be exiled! (Leviticus 20:18)
Yahweh murders Onan for not getting his brother’s wife pregnant. (Genesis 38:8-10)
by Michael R. Burch
But the hand of the Lord was heavy upon them of Ashdod, and he destroyed them, and smote them with emerods, even Ashdod and the coasts thereof. (1 Samuel 5:6)
The Lord spake unto Moses face to face, as a man speaketh unto his friend. (Exodus 33:11)
The allegedly all-powerful Yahweh was unable to defeat tribes with primitive iron chariots. What would he do against tanks and HIMARS, one wonders? (Judges 1:19)
Jacob not only deceived his blind father, but he accused god of being an accomplice in his crime! And yet Yahweh allowed Esau’s birthright to be stolen by deception, actually making him an accomplice after all!
Ezekiel, whom I call Zany Zeke, makes his first appearance and ups the ante with more biblical cannibalism. This time children also eat their parents. (Ezekiel 5:10)
Yahweh murders 70,000 innocent people over a census he commanded King David to take (2 Samuel 24:1-17). The writer of the same account in 1 Chronicles was so appalled, he changed his version to say Satan induced David to take the census. (1 Chronicles 21:1-17)
Why have Indian girls almost stopped wearing sarees?
Have you ever wondered why Eve was created from one of Adam’s ribs, when god spoke everything else into existence? Was god running low on superpowers, explaining why he needed a day off? No, it turns out that Eve was plagiarized from the original “Lady of the Rib” who was also the “Lady who gives Life.” Who was she? The ancient Sumerian goddess Ninti. I provide the very interesting details in FOOTNOTES TO NONSENSE.
“Thou canst not see my face: for there shall no man see me, and live.” (Exodus 33:20)
Oopsie, still not working, so now take a few hairs and bind them in your skirts! I AM THE LORD! (Ezekiel 5:3)
The bible has three different accounts of how Saul became king and two different accounts of how David became king. When in doubt, don’t edit, include everything!
Trees growing before the sun and stars were created is quite amusing. (Genesis 1:12)
No historians mentioned major earthquakes or a three-hour eclipse at the time of Jesus's alleged death. Matthew said the earthquake split rocks, and rocks have more structural integrity than first-century houses, so such a violent earthquake would have destroyed Jerusalem!
PETA ALERT! Yahweh was pissed off at the Israelites, so he brought billions of quail “from the sea” (???) and murdered them all, then dumped them to a depth of two cubits (three feet high) on a gigantic camp of two million people that extended a day's journey on either side. Thus around six square miles was buried in quail three feet high! But murdering billions of innocent quail wasn’t enough for Yahweh, no siree! The bible tells us that "While the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the Lord was kindled” against the Israelites and he “smote” them with “a very great plague.” But if Yahweh was going to send “a very great plague” and knew this with his alleged perfect foresight, why did he murder billions of innocent quail? (Exodus 16:13, Numbers 11:31-35)
Thus according to the infallible bible, Yahweh and Satan are the same being!
But there is even more ridiculousness here. Matthew says the curtain of the temple was torn in two at the exact moment Jesus died. But no one could possibly know that, because the temple veil was in the center of the Jerusalem temple, in the holy of holies, and no one was allowed to enter the holy of holies except for the high priest, and then only one day per year, on the Day of Atonement.
The king who conquered the neo-Babylonian empire was Cyrus the Great, not Darius the Mede as the book of Daniel claims.
Isaiah walking bare-assed naked and barefoot for three years as “a sign and portent against Egypt and Cush” didn’t do any good, since Egypt always kicked Israel’s ass, being the much stronger nation, but still Isaiah tried and saved lots of money on laundry bills. (Isaiah 20:2-4)
Science confirms that human beings originated in South Africa, not the mountains of Turkey where the bible’s “ark” allegedly landed.
Jesus curses an innocent fig tree for not bearing figs when it wasn’t fig season. (Mark 11:12)
And be sure to cook your food with human dung! I AM THE LORD!
The biblical Great Flood of Noah and his barmy “ark” is a real hoot. It would have taken a fleet of arks to save all the world’s animals, and the arks would have required advanced temperature and humidity controls for arctic and tropical animals, plus gigantic refrigeration units to keep millions of tons of food edible for a year. And what about fresh air? A wooden ark sealed with pitch would have been a death trap for everyone onboard, making this another PETA ALERT!
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Zany Zeke claims he heard his “god” order “cherubs” to “Slay utterly old and young, both maids, and little children, and women.” (Ezekiel 9:6)
Jesus is a racist who calls non-Jews “dogs.” (Matthew 15:21-28)
Belshazzar was never king of Babylon, nor was he the son of Nebuchadnezzar.
Biblical cannibalism with mothers eating their sons. Yahweh is a very odd god with his fetishes for foreskins, incest and enforced cannibalism. (2 Kings 6:28-29)
The Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, says: “I am about to bring punishment on Amon, god of Thebes, on Pharaoh, on Egypt and her gods and her kings, and on those who rely on Pharaoh. (Jeremiah 46:25)
Someone pretending to be Paul says women are not allowed to pray in church, but elsewhere in his epistles Paul gave instructions for women to pray and prophesy in church and he called Junia foremost among the apostles. More clear evidence of tampering. (1 Corinthians 14:34-35)
In multiple verses the Bible says God has never been seen and never can be seen.
In 2009-2013, excavations in the Timna Valley by Lidar Sapir-Hen and Erez Ben-Yosef discovered the earliest domestic camel bones found in Israel and outside the Arabian Peninsula, dating to around 930 BC.
SNAKE CHARMER JESUS plugs the evangelization advantages of drinking poison and handling venomous serpents! (Mark 16:17-18)
Even more disturbing is Jesus vowing to personally murder christian children for their mother’s sins, with one of those “sins” being the St. Paul-approved eating of foods offered to idols! (Revelation 2:23)
According to the gospel of Matthew, a long-dead king, Herod the Great, tried to kill the baby Jesus! Herod died ten years before the Roman census that allegedly required Joseph to report to Bethlehem.
Exodus 33:20: "You cannot see my face, for no man shall see me and live!"
Biblical cannibalism is not limited to mothers eating their children because they will also eat their own afterbirth! Is this a book children should be reading? (Deuteronomy 28:53-57)
The bible’s ludicrous ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE tops my list. “Many” zombies appeared to “many” people in Jerusalem, but no one outside the author of Matthew thought it worth a single mention. (Matthew 27:51-53)
1 Timothy 6:15–17: "Whom no one has ever seen or can see…"
The Sanhedrin were forbidden by Jewish law to meet during Passover.
Zany Zeke, sleep on your left side for 390 days, then on your right side for 40 days. That will fix things! I AM THE LORD! (Ezekiel 4:4-6)
“No one is to come with you or be seen anywhere on the mountain; not even the flocks and herds may graze in front of the mountain.” (Exodus 34:3)
Do not have tattoos! I AM THE LORD! No tattoos! (Leviticus 19:26-28)
Luke says the Roman emperor Augustus decreed that "all the world should be taxed" (Luke 2:1) but that is patently false.
by Michael R. Burch
Women and children are the spoils of war, just like livestock! I AM THE LORD! (2 Samuel 22:9-11)
However, Yahweh condemned Moses to death by telling him to say his name aloud!
Jesus confirms the holiness of biblical cannibalism and adds vampirism. That’s why they call it the New Testament, I suppose. The old one wasn’t bizarre enough, evidently. (John 6:53-58)
The bible calls Lot “righteous” but he committed incest with his daughters and got them both pregnant. (Genesis 19:30-38)
PETA ALERT! Jesus murdered 2,000 pigs to make demons happy. (Mark 5:1-13)
Satan, who is not a fallen angel cast out of heaven, but one of the Elohim, the seventy sons of the supreme god El, waltzes into heaven, has a chat with Yahweh, then dupes him into murdering Job’s children, slaves and livestock (PETA ALERT!). Yahweh later admits to Satan that he was duped, proving he’s not infallible as Christians claim.
Moses and Aaron turned all Egypt’s water into blood, after which Egyptian magicians “did the same thing” … except there was no water left to turn into blood, and also human magicians can’t turn mighty rivers like the Nile into blood. Maybe a test tube, with a bit of deception. Multitudes of animals died, so yet another PETA ALERT!
Yes, I command matricide, infanticide and mass abortions. I AM THE LORD! So be happy as you murder little ones in my holy name!
And for this cause God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie. (2 Thessalonians 2:11)
Also, keep handicapped people and people with blemishes and defects out of my pristine temple! I AM THE LORD! No hunchbacks, no dwarves, nobody blind or lame! I AM THE LORD!(Leviticus 21:16-23)
More biblical cannibalism with Yahweh forcing parents to eat their sons and daughters. (Leviticus 26:27-29)
21 And there came forth a spirit, and stood before the Lord, and said, I will persuade him. 22 And the Lord said unto him, Wherewith? And he said, I will go forth, and I will be a lying spirit in the mouth of all his prophets. And he said, Thou shalt persuade him, and prevail also: go forth, and do so. 23 Now therefore, behold, the Lord hath put a lying spirit in the mouth of all these thy prophets, and the Lord hath spoken evil concerning thee. (1 Kings 22:21-23)
Furthermore there are multiple Bible verses that say God was seen by Adam, Eve, Abraham, Sarah, Jacob/Israel, Moses and the seventy elders of Israel, and others.
God deludes human beings, perhaps explaining strange Christian beliefs in the ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE and such:
The Romans did not crucify thieves.
For Christians who claim all this cannibalism was not Yahweh’s fault, the author of Lamentations asked Yahweh why he was being so cruel:
John 1:18: “No man hath seen God at any time…”
An all-powerful god tries to murder Moses at an inn, but doesn’t succeed. (Not infallible.) Moses’s wife Zipporah zips off their son’s foreskin and saves her hubby’s life with an accurate foreskin toss. Yahweh is really into human foreskins, admires the throw, and repents of murdering Moses! (Exodus 4:24-26)
They will fall by the sword, Their little ones will be dashed in pieces, and their pregnant women will be ripped open. (Hosea 13:16)
Angels are offended by women’s hair, so women should wear burkas and such in church. After all, they didn’t have fancy women’s hats and bonnets back then. (1 Corinthians 11:5-10)
The ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE of Matthew never happened and not only wasn’t mentioned outside the bible, it wasn’t mentioned by anyone other writer of the New Testament.
Also, Matthew said there was an earthquake so powerful that rocks split, but rocks are a lot stronger structurally than first-century houses, so an earthquake that split stones would have leveled Jerusalem.
But then just nine verses later in the same chapter Yahweh said, “There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock. When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back; but my face must not be seen.” (Exodus 33:20)
Jesus soaring into the clouds like Superman with promises that he would “return the same way” while his disciples were alive. A rather spectacular series of failed prophecies.
More biblical cannibalism, but at least mothers aren’t eating their children raw this time:
Butt (pardon the pun) the men of Gath also ended up with hemorrhoids in their “secret parts.” (1 Samuel 5:9)
Mass-murder women and male children, even the little ones, but keep the virgin girls alive, for yourselves, as sex slaves! I AM THE LORD! (Numbers 31:17)
Yahweh was so holy, or so shy, that even animals were forbidden to approach Mt. Sinai:
For more amusing details please check out CAN GOD BE SEEN: YES, NO AND “NOT ON YOUR LIFE!” in the footnotes.
No Roman census ever required men to report to their ancestral homes. Roman censuses always counted and taxed the heads of households where they lived.
Please note there is one Leviathan (“him”) with multiple “heads.”
God gives incredibly detailed instructions for magically removing mold from houses! This magical removal/exorcism involves killing an innocent bird, then dipping a live bird in its blood (PETA ALERT!), along with cedar wood, magical scarlet yarn and hyssop. The terrified live is then be released, making “atonement” for the evil house. Leviticus (14:33-53)
Ironically, camel bones tell us that the bible itself is an anachronism, written at least 400 to 600 years after Moses’s era. But other evidence, both archeological and textual, strongly suggests that the “books of Moses” were written between 400–200 BC, a thousand years after the time of Moses!
Why did the Israelites receive five golden images of hemorrhoids from the hated Philistines, along with five golden images of mice?
In any case, Galilee wasn't a Roman province at the time so Joseph wouldn’t have been subject to a Roman census or taxation.
God’s name is Wilby. When Moses asked god his name, god answered אֶהְיֶה אֲשֶׁר אֶהְיֶה meaning “I will be whoever I will be.” He then continued, “Tell the people of Israel that WILL BE sent me.” I have shortened this to Wilby, for convenience.
"Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother..." (Matthew 10:34-36)
Zany Zeke, after I have murdered a third of all Israelites with plagues and famines, and murdered a third by the sword, and driven the remaining third from their homes into exile, I will be comforted. This is all to make me feel better. I AM THE LORD! (Ezekiel 5:3)
Proving how much Yahweh loves foreskins, David, the man after god’s own heart, was required to give a hundred foreskins for the hand of King Saul’s daughter Michal in marriage. However, David, a true disciple and protoge of Yahweh, voluntarily upped the ante to 200 foreskins.
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Here’s the text for the Holy Ghost murdering Ananias and Sapphira for not giving every penny to their church. Please note that in this lovely tale of Christian grace and forgiveness the term “great fear” is used twice.
Here’s how the Holy Ghost murdered two christians for not giving everything to their church. Please note how the term “great fear” is used twice. The text is Acts 5:1-11. Amusingly, christians give up the ghost to the Holy Ghost!
Matthew says “many holy people” rose from their graves, but Jesus said only god is good, and the bible says all human beings have sinned and there is no one righteous “no not one,” so who were these many “holy people” and if they were holy, why did they have to die?
God is the “god of gods,” the greatest god, and, hallelujah!, he doesn’t accept bribes!
Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She lusted after their genitals – as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions. (Ezekiel 23:19)
Finally, the Philistines sent the hemorrhoid-inducing Ark back to Israel with peace offerings of five golden hemorrhoids and five golden mice, the latter perhaps symbolizing the five kings of the Philistines and the former their inflamed posteriors! (1 Samuel 6:1-21)
Stone boys to death for being stubborn. All boys are stubborn, so stone them all! I AM THE LORD! What are you waiting for? I AM THE LORD! (Deuteronomy 21:18-21)
The talking snake in the Garden of Eden. BTW, poor Eve was not the first “Lady of the Rib.” That part of the biblical creation account was clearly adapted from the far more ancient Sumerian creation myth of Enki and Ninhursag, in which the goddess Ninti is both the “Lady of the Rib” and the “Lady who gives Life.” That is far too unlikely to be a coincidence!
Look, LORD, and consider: Whom have you ever treated like this? Should women eat their offspring, the children they have cared for? (Lamentations 2:20)
If two men are fighting and a woman trying to be a peacemaker accidently touches someone’s privates, have no pity! Cut her hand off! I AM THE LORD! By the way, if you found this verse in the Quran, you would call Islam a false religion. I AM THE LORD, who is like me in wisdom? I AM THE LORD! (Deuteronomy 25:11-12)
Forget that silly honoring your parents stuff, Jesus wants you to hate your father and mother, for his sake! (Luke 14:26) And to set a good (or very bad) example, Jesus called his mother “that woman” and refused to see her when she was understandably concerned about his mental state.
Judas Iscariot died twice: once by suicide and once by falling and having “all his bowels gush out”!
Yahweh is all about mass-murdering “little ones” and mass abortions by murdering pregnant women:
Jesus says we can avoid hell, not by faith or grace or by being better people, but by gouging out our eyes and cutting off our hands. (Matthew 5:29-30)
At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook, the rocks split and the tombs broke open. The bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. They came out of the tombs after Jesus' resurrection and went into the holy city and appeared to many people. (Matthew 27:51-53)
Might we venture that the biblical god was a tad inconsistent, perhaps? Or, more probably, the authors of the bible changed the rules to suit their changing whims. At first, pretending to speak for “god” they insisted genocide was god’s will. (Joshua 6:21 and several other genocidal verses). But later, they changed “god’s word” to say it was groovy to keep virgin girls alive, as sex slaves (Numbers 31:17-18). Perhaps the Israelites were running low on sex slaves when Moses changed the “word of god” … or, more likely, some Levite scribe came up with that bright, ever-so-godly idea a thousand years later.
For the Lord your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great God, mighty and awesome, who shows no partiality and accepts no bribes. (Deuteronomy 10:17)
GOSPEL ERRORS ABOUT THE CRUCIFIXION
Baby girls are dirty! If a woman has a baby girl, she will be “unclean” for 66 days and cannot enter a place of worship! Clearly, women should have baby boys! I AM THE LORD! (Leviticus 12:1-5)
How can anyone reconcile these verses in a single book, Exodus:
“There goes Jesus, raising the dead by the truckload. Ho hum. Let’s not tell anyone. Ho hum.”
5 But a certain man named Ananias, with Sapphira his wife, sold a possession, 2 And kept back part of the price, his wife also being privy to it, and brought a certain part, and laid it at the apostles' feet. 3 But Peter said, Ananias, why hath Satan filled thine heart to lie to the Holy Ghost, and to keep back part of the price of the land? 4 Whiles it remained, was it not thine own? and after it was sold, was it not in thine own power? why hast thou conceived this thing in thine heart? thou hast not lied unto men, but unto God. 5 And Ananias hearing these words fell down, and gave up the ghost: and great fear came on all them that heard these things. 6 And the young men arose, wound him up, and carried him out, and buried him. 7 And it was about the space of three hours after, when his wife, not knowing what was done, came in. 8 And Peter answered unto her, Tell me whether ye sold the land for so much? And she said, Yea, for so much. 9 Then Peter said unto her, How is it that ye have agreed together to tempt the Spirit of the Lord? behold, the feet of them which have buried thy husband are at the door, and shall carry thee out. 10 Then fell she down straightway at his feet, and yielded up the ghost: and the young men came in, and found her dead, and, carrying her forth, buried her by her husband. 11 And great fear came upon all the church, and upon as many as heard. (Acts 5:5-11)
Thou brakest the heads of Leviathan in pieces, and gavest him to be meat to the people inhabiting the wilderness. (Psalm 74:14)
The Lord would speak to Moses face to face, as one speaks to a friend. (Exodus 33:11)
Hastily, since Preparation H had not yet been invented, the sore-butted citizens of Ashdod sent the troublesome Ark to Gath!
More biblical cannibalism with Yahweh telling Jeremiah that if he buys and smashes a clay jar, the suddenly enabled Yahweh will force parents to eat their children, then make them eat each other, which would be quite a trick! (Jeremiah 19:1-9)
PETA ALERT! The heroic Yahweh duplicates a feat of his archrival storm god Baal by defeating a multi-headed sea monster called Leviathan, then hacking it to pieces like Jason on a rampage. Now it seems a tad unfair for an all-powerful god to murder one of his more unique creations, but gods do need things to brag about, and there was a LOT of biblical bragging about this murder! (Psalm 74:14, Isaiah 51:9, Psalm 89:10, Job 41:1, Isaiah 27:1, Psalm 104:26)
An all-seeing, all-knowing god needed the Israelites to mark their doorposts with the blood of innocent lambs so that he would know which houses to pass over while mass-murdering Egyptian children and animals. (Exodus 12:23)
Jacob/Israel, the man who gave his name to the nation, was a polygamist who had four wives, including two slaves. Apparently Yahweh had no problem with the twelve tribes of Israel being sired by a polygamist slaveowner who cheated his elder brother Esau out of his birthright by taking advantage of his father Isaac’s blindness!
And Isaac said unto his son, “How is it that thou hast found it [venison] so quickly, my son?” And he said, “Because the Lord thy God brought it to me.” (Genesis 27:20)
Menstrual blood bad, very bad! Tarzan not like periods! When a woman has her period, everything she touches, sits on, or lies on becomes “unclean.” (Leviticus 15:19-24)
Zany Zeke says god is also strongly against pillows and kerchiefs. No pillows and kerchiefs! I AM THE LORD! (Ezekiel 13:18-22)
With their own hands compassionate women have cooked their own children, who became their food when my people were destroyed. (Lamentations 4:10)
But what did Yahweh do about all the wild animals and birds? Did they all die for the “sin” of gazing on Mt. Sinai?
NO MAN HAS EVER SEEN GOD … EXCEPT 87 PEOPLE DID! Yahweh had to moon Moses to show the child-stoning lawgiver his “glory” (or glory-hole). Why the mooning? Because to see god’s glorious face would be instant death! And yet the bible says 87 people saw god face-to-face, including, most amusingly, Moses just nine verses earlier in the same chapter of Exodus!
Someone pretending to be Paul says it’s a shame for a man to have long hair, but of course Paul being a rabbi would have known that men consecrated to god like Samson and Samuel never cut their hair. In fact, Paul took a Nazarite vow himself, according to the Bible. Thus we have clear evidence that the New Testament texts were being edited by charlatans. (1 Corinthians 11:14-15)
Yahweh did have the power, however, to force the Philistines to include five golden images of hemorrhoids when they returned the Ark of the Covenant to the Israelites. Apparently the Philistines didn’t have iron chariots. (1 Samuel chapters 5-6).
There are also amosaica passages that Moses was unlikely to write about himself, such as Numbers 12:3, which says: “Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth.”
CAN GOD BE SEEN: YES, NO AND “NOT ON YOUR LIFE!”
It’s okay to beat slaves within an inch of their lives, as long as they don’t die. I AM THE LORD! As long as the slaves can get up after a day or two, all is groovy. I AM THE LORD! (Exodus 21:20-21)
According to the bible, monotheism began with Abraham, who was incestously married to his sister, Sarah. It was Sarah’s brainstorm that Abraham marry and impregnate her slave, Hagar. In the meantime, from time to time Abraham pimped Sarah to kings, getting lots of loot in return. The ever-charming Abraham was ready to slit one son’s throat and booted his other son into the desert along with his mother. And yet Yahweh absolutely adored Abraham and Sarah, to the extent of visiting them on earth, having dinner with them, promising Sarah that she would have a child in her old age (a promise Sarah laughed at and ignored), and promising Canaan to Abraham despite the fact that it was inhabited and would require genocide to conquer. All in a day’s work for Yahweh!
Zany Zeke, the sleeping thing didn’t work out, sorry, so cut off your hair and use balances to divide it into three equal heaps. I AM THE LORD! We are really fixing things now! I AM THE LORD! (Ezekiel 5:1)
Jesus is NOT the Prince of Peace, so don’t be fooled by Christian hyperbole:
How do camel bones prove the first five books of the bible were written at least half a millennium after the time of Moses?
A dark, water earth exists before god begins creating. What happens to water without the sun’s light and warmth? It freezes. The north and south poles get sunlight but have no liquid water, so a sunless earth would be icy, not watery. The bible says trees were growing before the sun and stars were created. There are no trees in the arctic or antarctic regions. (Genesis 1:1-18)
FOOTNOTES TO NUTTINESS
PETA ALERT! Yahweh sent two she-bears to maul 42 boys for calling a man “baldy.” (2 Kings 2:23-24)
God sends evil spirits, as he did to King Saul. (1 Samuel 16:14)
Israel’s most god-favored kings, according to the bible, were both polygamists: David and his son Solomon. According to 1 Kings 11:3, the randy Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines!
God saved Noah due to his alleged “righteousness” but Noah got drunk, was running around naked and engaged in some sort of perversion with his son. Did Yahweh drown trillions of innocent animals for an incestuous wino? PETA ALERT!
But Genesis 32:30, written about Jacob wrestling face-to-face with God, disagrees: “And Jacob called the name of the place Peniel: for I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved.
Don’t spare unborns. I AM THE LORD!
Trim those pubes, Isaiah! “In that day the Lord will use a razor hired from beyond the Euphrates River—the king of Assyria—to shave your head and private parts, and to cut off your beard also.” I AM THE LORD! (Isaiah 7:20)
And the LORD was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron. ( Judges 1:19)
Balaam’s talking ass (donkey).
However, Yahweh was unable to defeat tribes with primitive iron chariots, disproving everything above!
A nineteenth century scholar, Rabbi Wise, searched Pilate's court records for evidence of Jesus's trial and found nothing.
Also no one with problems “down there.” I AM THE LORD! Healthy foreskinless appendages only. I AM THE LORD! (Deuteronomy 23:1)
Hell, in the same chapter, just a few verses earlier, God would speak to Moses face to face, as one speaks to a friend. (Exodus 33:11)
Yahweh murders 70 people for looking at his ark. (1 Samuel 6:19)
Did Moses have the worst sense of direction, ever? There is no archeological evidence of two million people wandering the narrow strip of the Sinai Desert for 40 years on what should have been a two-week trek.
Moses and Aaron, Nadab and Abihu, and the seventy elders of Israel went up [on Mt. Sinai] and saw the God of Israel. Under his feet was something like a pavement made of sapphire, clear as the sky itself. But God did not raise his hand against these leaders of the Israelites; they saw God, and they ate and drank. (Exodus 24:9-11)
So the Gathites quickly fobbed off the Ark on Ekron, butt by now the word was out and Ekron declined to be the “receivers.” Apparently these were lethal hemorrhoids, because the Ekronites protested that they didn’t want to be “destroyed.” (1 Samuel 5:10)
The biblical god Yahweh creates a “firmament” — a solid transparent dome like a snowglobe. This “firmament” separates earth’s seas from a freshwater “sea in the sky” and allows rain to fall when someone opens a window in heaven. This is because the primitive men who authored the bible did’t understand the process of evaporation, condensation and rainfall. According to the bible the sun, moon and stars are tiny lights set in the solid “firmament” like lights in a chandelier. Stars are tiny pinpricks of light that can fall to earth without damaging it, a common biblical theme. This is because Yahweh’s creators confused meteors with stars. Needless to say, thanks to his human creators, Yahweh was not a rocket scientist! (Genesis 1:6-8)
So much for grace, salvation is all about works and what we eat! Jesus will search your kidneys (???) and if he doesn’t like what he finds in your digestive tract, he will murder your children rather redundantly “with death.”
It seems unlikely that Jesus was crucified because the crucifixion appears to have been unknown to early Christians until the second century AD! None of the early historians or scholars who mentioned what early Christians believed ever mentioned a crucifixion. This includes Josephus, Epictetus, Philo, Pliny, Quintus, Suetonius, Tacitus, and others.
My favorite ridiculous bible passage, by far, is the ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE in which “many” zombies rose from their graves and appeared to “many” people in Jerusalem, and yet no one outside the bible bothered to mention this stunning confirmation that Jesus was the Messiah. “Ho hum. There goes Jesus emptying the graveyards again. Let’s not tell anyone. Ho hum.”
In Exodus chapter 33, Moses asked to see God’s glory and God had to “moon” Moses because to see his face would have been instant death. And yet in the same book, Moses and the seventy elders of Israel not only saw God, they had a picnic with him! (Exodus 33:18-23, Exodus 24:9-11)
Unless we become cannibals and vampires, we have no life in us, per Jesus. (John 6:53-57)
Also it bears noting that the “cherub” has an inkhorn, like a scribe.
No one, not even animals, were allowed to approach Mt. Sinai: “No one is to come with you or be seen anywhere on the mountain; not even the flocks and herds may graze in front of the mountain.” (Exodus 34:3) But what did Jehovah do about all the innocent wild animals and birds? Did they all die for the “sin” of gazing on Mt. Sinai?
Moses writes about his death, his funeral and the 30 days of weeping and wailing that followed. Is this why they call it the Holy Ghost? (Deuteronomy 34:1-9)
There are passages in Genesis that Moses could not have written because they describe events that happened after his death, called the postmosaica passages. For example, Genesis 11:28 mentions Ur of the Chaldees and Genesis 14:14 mentions the city of Dan, neither of which existed during Moses’s life. The Chaldeans were an Aramaic-speaking people who lived in the first millennium BC, long after the time of Moses. Dan was an Israelite city and tribal area that did not exist until well after the time of Moses.
Who discovered the allegedly empty tomb? According to John, only Mary Magdalene went to the tomb. According to Matthew another Mary was also there. According to Mark, it was Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome. According to Luke, it was Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary the mother of James and some other women.
The Bible describes Abraham owning camels, but camels had not been domesticated at that time and wouldn’t be for another thousand years!
The Romans had no custom of releasing a prisoner at Passover.
God spent a day with Abraham, had a meal with Abraham and his wife Sarah, then had a discussion in which God and Abraham bartered over how many righteous men it would take to save Sodom and Gomorrah from destruction. (Genesis 18:1–33)
1 But a certain man named Ananias, with Sapphira his wife, sold a possession, 2 And kept back part of the price, his wife also being privy to it, and brought a certain part, and laid it at the apostles' feet. 3 But Peter said, Ananias, why hath Satan filled thine heart to lie to the Holy Ghost, and to keep back part of the price of the land? 4 Whiles it remained, was it not thine own? and after it was sold, was it not in thine own power? why hast thou conceived this thing in thine heart? thou hast not lied unto men, but unto God. 5 And Ananias hearing these words fell down, and gave up the ghost: and great fear came on all them that heard these things. 6 And the young men arose, wound him up, and carried him out, and buried him. 7 And it was about the space of three hours after, when his wife, not knowing what was done, came in. 8 And Peter answered unto her, Tell me whether ye sold the land for so much? And she said, Yea, for so much. 9 Then Peter said unto her, How is it that ye have agreed together to tempt the Spirit of the Lord? behold, the feet of them which have buried thy husband are at the door, and shall carry thee out. 10 Then fell she down straightway at his feet, and yielded up the ghost: and the young men came in, and found her dead, and, carrying her forth, buried her by her husband. 11 And great fear came upon all the church, and upon as many as heard these things. (Acts 5:1-11)
God also sends lying spirits:
God punishes other gods:
Moses’s authorship of the first five books of the bible is undone by, of all things, a recently-discovered pile of camel bones! Call it “PETA’s Revenge!” I explain why in my FOOTNOTES TO NONSENSE.
Jonah lived in a whale’s gut for three days without oxygen and all the sloshing and churning acid left him unscathed, much less digested. Betcha that was one stinky prophet when he was finally vomited out!
According to 1 Samuel chapters 5-6, after the Philistines defeated the Israelites and captured the Ark of the Covenant, they took it to Ashdod. Upset that his mobile home had been stolen by heathens, an enraged Yahweh began striking the citizens of Ashdod with hemorrhoids.
#BIBLE #MRBBIBLE #MRBBIZARRE #MRBVERSE #MRBVERSES #MRBPETA
Zany Zeke makes his third appearance. Ezekiel boldly predicted that Nebuchadnezzar would sack and destroy Tyre, which would never be rebuilt. (Ezekiel 26:1-21) Zany Zeke went on for three chapters about all the terrible punishments the “Sovereign Lord” would inflict on Tyre. (Ezekiel chapters 26-29) But Zany Zeke later admitted that his prophecy had failed utterly, (Ezekiel 29:18), then immediately predicted that his hero Nebuchadnezzar would sack Egypt and leave it an uninhabited wasteland for 40 years. (Ezekiel 29:9-13). Once again Ezekiel went on and on about all the terrible punishments the “Sovereign Lord” would inflict on Egypt, this time for five chapters. (Ezekiel chapters 29-33) That prophecy also failed miserably. The Bible itself confirms that Ezekiel’s prophecies were false, since both Jesus and Paul visited Tyre according to the New Testament. Egypt has never been an uninhabited wasteland for even a second in recorded history, much less at the hands of Nebuchadnezzar.
Jeremiah, hide your underwear in some rocks that I point out to you. I AM THE LORD! (Jeremiah 13:1-7)
Since the first book of the bible, Genesis, stresses how rich the patriarchs were by mentioning their many camels 24 times, the bible is telling us that it’s a mere babe in terms of antiquity, compared to the ancient Sumerian myths it plagiarized, such as the global flood in the Epic of Gilgamesh and the “Lady of the Rib” in the creation account of Enki and Ninhursag.
Judas Iscariot died twice: once by suicide and once by falling and having “all his bowels gush out.” That’ll teach him to betray the Messiah!
GOD’S BBF’S
The bible says David only committed one sin, in the matter of Uriah and Bathsheba. Therefore, according to the bible, it is not a sin to have multiple wives, nor to mass-murder women, which David did when he “smote the land,” nor to mass-murder the handicapped, which David did when he took Jerusalem from the Jebusites, nor to burn people in brick kilns, shades of Hitler!
Of course this never happened. The Levite scribe speaking through “Ezekiel” is trying to explain the destruction of Israel at the hands of a more powerful nation, Babylon, as “punishment” for Israelites worshiping gods other than Yahweh. But we all know wars are won by the more powerful forces, not via the intervention of “gods.” Israel was never a large nation and had been reduced to the tiny province of Judea. It was not going to win wars with much larger, more powerful nations.
The ancient Israelites were really into donkey dongs and stallion semen.
Other genocidal bible passages: Numbers 21:2-3; Deuteronomy 20:17; Joshua 6:17, 21; 1 Samuel 15
For security purposes, the Romans did not allow people to approach crosses during crucifixions, as described in the gospel of John. The other gospels contradict John, saying the women stood “afar” off from the cross and never mention the “beloved disciple” being on the scene. The author of John was clearly trying to give the “beloved disciple” primacy over Peter. Then someone tacked an extra chapter onto John’s gospel, in an attempt to salvage Peter’s reputation and standing!
Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the rocks. (Psalm 137:9)
Whoever utters the name of the Lord must be put to death. (Leviticus 24:16)